How to 'get through'

If you’ve experienced the breakdown of a long term relationship, no matter whether there were children involved, legal and financial matters to be resolved, living situations to be rearranged, the loss of friends and other networks of support, or all of the above, then you have been through some of your darkest days. If you’re somewhere near the beginning or the middle of this journey, then I don’t need to tell you what it means to wonder just how many tears one person can hold, or exactly how little sleep you can actually survive on, or look in the mirror and not recognise the face looking back at you.

You’re living in a fluctuating, but more or less permanent, state of trauma. As you claw your way through each day you’ve undoubtedly been offered all sorts of sage advice, some of it helpful and some of it less so. As is so often the way, the best wisdom is the oldest, and the simplest – but trusting that it will help is not easy in a high-tech world. If I can encourage you to know that the most basic things will hold you up while you get through this, then I’ll have shared the most helpful things I know about coping through any kind of struggle.

Be kind to yourself

Maybe you’re not quite in touch with the part of yourself that wants to ‘enjoy’ things at the moment. Maybe it feels more authentic to suffer, to wallow, or sit with misery, guilt, or general unpleasantness. Even if you don’t think it will work, spend time with people, music, sights, tastes, and sensations that you know you’ll enjoy. Even if they don’t bring you the pleasure that they used to, they are still doing work on you beneath the surface. They’re also helping you set a valuable precedent: that you matter, and that you need to set aside time and energy to feed body and soul.

Eat, Drink, Exercise, Sleep

You are burning so much energy through stress that it’s more important than ever to look after your most basic physiological needs. They aren’t complex, you don’t need to be on a special diet, or a fitness regime…in fact run a mile from any suggestion that you do. Just keep it simple. Eat well, drink plenty of water, exercise in some form most days, and try to keep to regular sleep patterns. You can’t fix what you’re experiencing in a hurry, but you can help yourself to stay strong while you get through it.

Time…

I know it sounds like the biggest cop out ever in terms of advice, and initially I fought against any suggestion that time would ever heal anything that I was experiencing. I wanted to know what the steps were that I had to achieve, the lessons I had to learn, and the criteria that I could tick off. I think I needed to know that I could, through sheer will power and determination, get there quicker. That I could take some control over the process. I remember asking someone who had the answers to tell me how I would get through, what I could do to prove to myself and others that I had made it out the other side. Her answer horrified me and set me free at the same time. There was nothing. Nothing at all. I simply had to keep going.

The steps through are miniscule, so small you don’t even notice them happening. It’s waking up every day and putting one foot in front of the other. It’s finding new ways to manage and meet your responsibilities when you’d rather run and hide from everything and everyone. It’s learning new ways to be you in a world that looks different from the one you imagined you’d be living in. It happens slowly, painfully so at times but you just keep going, and with time, you find yourself where you needed to be.