Keeping your kids safe
As a parent in a shared custody situation, perhaps your life is divided into halves: one week where you parent solo, feel frazzled and have no one on hand to tag in, and the next week going about your business wondering what your precious little people are up to.
One thing is for sure though - it doesn't matter what your time arrangement is. Mum or Dad, you are a parent 100% of the time and don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
An article crossed my Facebook feed the other day - hugely helpful so I shared it. It was about setting your teenagers up with a "X Plan" which is their easy way out of any situation in which they find themselves where they're uncomfortable but perhaps worried about losing face. It's a fantastic parenting tool and I'm definitely putting it away for later (have a few years up my sleeve yet).
If you're interested to read it, here's the link - X-Plan: Giving Your Kids a Way Out
But also it got me thinking. It's important - if you can - to find that common ground with your ex so that you can put a plan in place for your kids that works ALL the time, never mind who they're with, and never mind who they call. When trouble comes, do you really expect them to think about whose house they're at or whose turn it is? We care about our children's safety all the time whether they are scheduled to sleep under our roof tonight or not. If there's one thing you should do jointly with your ex, it's this.
For the plan to work, there will need to be some communication about which party your child is attending, where, when - all that stuff. And to keep that simple, it's probably going to be useful to have a conversation when your child reaches "that age" and establish a joint set of rules around parties, alcohol, smoking, cars, drugs, sleepovers - the whole nine yards. House rules are ultimately about safety - so don't you want to know that the rules applied at the other house are in keeping with your own?
It can be a delicate balance giving your ex space to run their household the way they want to, and manage your kids their way when it's their turn. But when it comes to safety, you have the right to feel comfortable with the arrangements being made. We don't switch off - we care and we worry ALL the time. Perhaps an article like this is a good starting point and you can work backwards to the issues at hand for the age and stage your kids are at.
There is a balancing act to this for sure - and an assumption that you have a working relationship to start with!
- You have a right to know who is minding your children - that they're qualified and #notdodgey
- You're entitled to have a view on your child being home alone or walking to and from school
- It's OK to express concern about the older children they are hanging with if they are a negative influence
What you have to figure out - and this is the tricky part - is how to broach the subject. Carefully, I would suggest. One wrong step and your ex might feel that you're implying they have poor judgement. Your *working relationship* can turn to toast quite quickly! I guess try and keep the kids at the centre of the discussion. Can you agree what the safety concerns might be for the situation your kids are in? How can you manage that with the objective of you both being able to relax and not worry? Be helpful: solutions, not problems.
If there is one thing I know (and hopefully you can say the same) it is this: there is one person in this world who loves my children as much as me ... their dad! And if a midnight rescue is ever required, then we are two sharp operatives who can work as a team to bring our person home.
